[ Late Night Midnight ]

I am so tired.

I am so tired of trying to make sense of everything. I am so tired of running away. I am so tired of being a lump of exploding random emotions in the middle of the night; stumbling around and crashing to every single thing that these eyes set sight upon. It is so sad to see myself crying while calling someone on the phone and getting sad for no apparent reason. It's getting to me. Again.

As much as I want the sadness to not be of any reason, I cannot deny the fact that I am sad about something. May it be only a little something; but it is still something. I despise the fact that this frail stack of skin and bones cannot handle a single crack of heart. It's breaking again for the simplest of reasons; yet it hurts so bad.

I am now awake, my soul feeling like it is floating somewhere in a state that I do not even know of, reassuring myself that I am alright so that I do not have to lie to people who ask about how I am doing. The weird thing is, I do not even know how I am actually doing. I am telling you what I believe how I should be, which is alright. But I am not. I kind of am. But not entirely "alright" as you may say and assume.

For quite a while I have been staring hard at myself in the mirror, challenging my pupils straight to the center and asking the same repetitive question over and over in my head, "Are you really alright, or are you just conjuring up an image of yourself in your twisted mind that you are?"

My honest answer is: I don't know. I honestly don't.

If ever any of you feel the same way as I do;

if any of you feel the urge to pace back and forth on your bedroom floor at a quarter to 1 AM to contemplate about your life;

if any of you feel a hint of depression;

if any of you are hurting in a way you cannot explain;

if any of you feel like you're missing something yet you do not know what it is or who you are missing;

if any of you feel some kind of void forming up in your chest;

if you have the urge to scream and curse and be mad;

if any of you are trying to accept the fact that your sadness is triggered by the simplest of reasons;

if any of you are laying still in your bed with earphones plugged in your ears thinking about why these thoughts just won't shut up;

if you feel your demons sneaking up behind your backs;

if you are plain confused about what you are going through;

if you feel like it's one of those days where you hit rock-bottom and suddenly get sad for no good reason;

if you are feeling like you just need a good cry and a shoulder that does not mind getting wet;

if you do not know what state you are in at the moment;

I am not going to tell you to be patient, or to tell you that it will pass, or to tell you that it will eventually get better after you give it some time, or to tell you to just breathe, or to tell you to cut the drama, or to tell you to suck it all in and fight it.

No.

Be still, brave hearts.

Befriend your demons.

It is alright not to feel alright.

It is alright to let your guard down.

It is just one of those nights.

It will not stay forever.

Let it flow, let it out, and surrender.

We will survive this through peace.

—i.t

[ honestly guilty thoughts on the brink of the near-ending evening ]

You got my mind thinking

You got my heart pounding

You got my world shaking

You got my soul radiating

You got my eyes wandering

You got my legs traveling

You got my cheeks flushing

You got my fingers entangling

You got my hands writing

You got my lungs fluttering

You got my life beating

You got my love growing

You got me —

In every imaginable way possible

If ever I say

You don't

I'm lying

( — i.t )

4

You invade my thoughts.

Beautifully, deeply, intricately.

I cannot comprehend how wonderful it is to have you fill my head for most of the time. It's marvelous to consider how you actually managed to stay afloat solely in my mind when everything has gone down and sunk deep deep deep into my sea of contemplations.

What's with you that keeps you above the waves? Apparently the waters like you. Apparently my mind likes you. My heart does, too, if you wondered. I mean, who doesn't? Every cell in my body, every corner of my soul, every fibre in this human being speaks aloud their admiration for you.

Yes, you.

I don't know what you're doing, but you got me speaking nonsense — absolute irrational, hypothetical, philosophical nonsense. I might as well say thank you. I've not been able to be this elaborate, warm, and bubbly for quite a while.

Please keep on doing what you're doing. This is pretty cheesy, but... I plan to stay this happy for a long, long time.

(i.t) x

Aku. Kamu. Kamu. Aku. Aku & Kamu.

"Jangan mendekat. Jangan mendekat."

Kamu ternyata kembali. Aku hampir beranjak pergi.

Kamu tulus. Sangat tulus.

Aku terdiam. Berpikir — ada manusia setulus kamu.

Kamu tersenyum. Aku tersipu malu.

Aku merenung. Berpikir — mengapa kamu masih membutuhkanku, masih menginginkanku.

Kamu tertawa. Aku tersenyum.

Aku terpaku. Berpikir — apa kurang aku mengungkapkan rasa terima kasih kepada kamu; yang masih saja memaafkan aku?

"Tidak."

Kamu mendekat. Aku tidak bergerak.

Dalam jarak pandangku hanya ada kamu. Sekarang — di pikiranku hanya ada kamu.

"Apa kamu akan pergi?"

Aku tahu suatu hari nanti kamu akan pergi.

Entah sehari, seminggu, sebulan, setahun, semasa depan lagi... Yang jelas, aku tahu kamu akan pergi.

Tunggu. Lebih tepatnya aku atau kamu yang akan pergi. Akan ada sebuah kapan, namun masalah siapa yang pergi, aku tidak tahu pasti. Namun aku tahu pasti bahwa itu urusan sang alam. Bukan lain pula ulah sang waktu.

Kamu tertunduk. Aku tersadar.

Masalah kepergian bisa terjadi kapan saja. Bisa saja tadi apabila aku melangkah pergi. Bisa saja tadi apabila kamu tidak memilih untuk kembali.

Aku egois. Karena aku tidak ingin kamu pergi. Begitu juga kamu. 

Kamu egois. Karena kamu ingin aku tetap disini. Begitu juga aku.

Namun biarlah;

Sebelum kamu memilih untuk pergi;

Sebelum aku memilih untuk tidak kembali;

Sebelum kita tak kuasa egois lagi;

Sebelum kita hilang ditelan semesta;

Sebelum terlambat sudah semuanya;

Pegang tanganku. Jangan lepaskan. Abadikan jari-jemari ini. Sebelum terlepas dari genggaman.

"Tidak. Maafkan aku."

Aku melayangkan beribu terima kasih. Kamu mendekap ragaku.

Aku menghela nafas. Kamu menutup matamu.

Kamu berarti. Sangat berarti.

Aku berharap. Kamu berdoa.

"Jangan pergi. Jangan pergi."

(i.t)

Ini lagi, ini lagi...

Sejenak. Hanya sejenak.

Cukup untuk membuatnya tersentak.

Matanya melayang ke segala arah, menerka apa yang membuat jantungnya hampir berhenti berdetak.

Mungkin matahari? Namun belum pagi.

Mungkin isyarat untuk berlari? Namun belum ingin beranjak pergi.

Mungkin sebuah memori? Ah, sepertinya lebih pasti.

Bermalam-malam ia bangun seperti ini, memimpikan sesosok pribadi.

Membangunkannya seperti maling di malam hari, mengusik alur sang dini hari.

Ah, tidak tahu sopan santun pikiran-pikiran ini.

Ia tahu seorang itu sudah lama pergi.

Jauh raganya berlari, tak ada tanda akan kembali.

Namun jiwanya muncul lagi, muncul lagi — hatinya kalut tak terkira kali ini.

Cukup sudah nostalgia akan patah hati.

Sampai kapan harus seperti ini?

Simpan saja, esok akan ada lagi.

Lalu untuk apa menghabisi awal hari?

Lebih baik tidur saja lagi.

(i.t)

Asumsi

Mungkin ia hanya pergi untuk kembali.

Mungkin ia hanya diam untuk bicara suatu hari nanti.

Mungkin ia benci untuk mencinta tiada henti.

Mungkin ia tertawa untuk memendam pahit di hati.

Mungkin ia tenggelam untuk sang ombak bawa ia lari.

Mungkin ia hilang untuk pergi berkelana seorang diri.

Mungkin ia tidak percaya untuk kembali lagi.

Mungkin ia takut untuk jatuh cinta lagi.

Mungkin, mungkin...

(i.t)

E S K A P I S

Tak jarang pikiran itu terlintas

Bergeming sedetik, barang sepintas,

"Hanya jiwa dalam tubuh yang fana,

Apa artinya aku hidup dalam dunia?"

Cinta hebat terus direnggut

Rasa sakit selalu diteguk

Kisah sama kian ditenggak

Hingga akhirnya lelah ditolak

Memang ini yang disebut hidup

Kadang cerah, ia kadang redup

Dunia berputar, namun pikiran enggan diam

Kau tutup mata agar segala cepat silam

Dalam pikiran engkau melayang

Jauh dari semua, kau ingin menentang

Sunyi senyap, matahari pun sirna

Nanti saja hadapi realita

Kau adalah seorang eskapis

Pemberontak, pemikir, perintis

Bebas lepas dari tatapan mata

Menyendiri dengan sang semesta

Kembalilah dari kegelapan itu

Bangun, lekaslah buka matamu

Percaya atau tidak, dunia membutuhkanmu

Kuatkanlah hatimu, awal yang baru menunggumu

( —i.t )

Ba-ha-gia

Sudah terlalu lama ia menutup mata. Terlalu lama ia tinggal dalam gelap. Bagai sehelai selimut tebal menutupi raganya; kesedihan, kegelisahan, ketakutan tak ingin meninggalkannya.  Mengekangnya untuk berpikir bahwa ia bisa. Membatasinya untuk berpikir bahwa ia mampu.

Sebuah sentakan.

Ia terbangun, membuka kedua kelopak mata terhadap realita dunia. Sebuah perasaan bersenandung nada gelap yang kian lama tinggal dalam raganya telah tiada. Ia merasa bebas, lepas, tidak terkekang. Sudah berbulan-bulan ia tak merasakannya.

Kini matanya berbinar. Cara bicaranya meledak-ledak. Ia mengernyitkan dahinya, sebuah pertanyaan menggantung di bibirnya. Berlari kesana-kemari, menghirup udara, menyapa semesta.

Ia tertawa, tangan terentang luas memeluk segala.

Biarkanlah. Mungkin ia bahagia.

(i.t)

Space.

"I need some space."

A time out.

"Give me some time."

A chance to calm down, to think, to rebuild what's been broken and to regain what's been lost. A chance for two people to travel the globe in opposite directions for quite some time to meet at some point in the middle. To come back in the end. To resume paused relations with people who have done you wrong.

To forgive. To grow. To give second chances.

That's what they always say.

"Give them space. They'll come back eventually - sooner or later, once things have turned down a notch or two."

But isn't it ironic when someone asks for space, sometimes they never actually come back?

The space they asked for just grew bigger, taller and wider — further away from you.

Wasn't the point of giving someone space was to wait for them to fill it and rekindle?

Turns out I'm mistaken.

Sometimes people would just prefer to leave things as it is. The space would just continue to grow without its initial desire to be filled in order to close the gap between you and the other person to create a bridge of mutual understanding. Worse than just expanding, sometimes it will reach a stage where it will pop like a bubble, dissipating everything. The bridge would no longer be existent. Burned into ashes, nowhere to be found in the vast universe.

That's when I've lost all sense.

Reality has a very small chance in colliding with what's actually been said and what's expected.

Sometimes acceptance is greater. Sometimes the belief of someone or something greater to come is necessary. Sometimes letting go is what's needed.

Trust me, both sides do hurt.

Still, get on your feet.

Let go, be at peace, and move on.

(i.t)

twenty two, this one's for you

i think of you in gaps

of what i think are singular infinities

countless times a day

you got me racing, heart pacing fast per minute

every spare second

every heartbeat counted

every breath taken, stolen

every eyelid closed and opened

i steal glances from afar

at times you won't even notice

at times when i may skip your line of thoughts

those are when you never left mine

i think you are my skyline

because i marvel you like one could

only in your embrace i could scream

i could stretch my arms; and be free

you got me tangled in a mess

you got me tangled in

you got me tangled

you got me

and for that i love you

for that i love you

that i love you

i love you

(i.t)

one day;

she decided to fall in love;

she fell in love with the way the city lights up at night

she fell in love with midnight drives over highways

she fell in love with constellations

she fell in love with busy streets and driving shotgun for hours

she fell in love with urban vibes felt when she's with her friends

she fell in love with traveling and adventuring

she fell in love with the way inspiration hit her reckless like lightning

she fell in love with the idea of what's unknown and what's yet to discover

she fell in love with old book pages and cups of tea

she fell in love with the freedom felt of coming home late

she fell in love with concerts and music festivals

she fell in love with the solitude company of the beach

she fell in love with the complication of one's line of thoughts

she fell in love with the idea of running away

and decided to fall further;

she fell in love with life

she fell in love with thoughts and emotions

she fell in love with all things secular and worldly

she fell in love with all things set above and beyond

she fell in love with the idea of feeling infinite

she fell in love with the idea of love

yet one thing she fails to fall in love with; is herself

(i.t)

Malam itu aku terjaga;

[ 11:59 ]

Ambang hari yang baru

Diam, sepi, sunyi adanya

Tersirat keinginan untuk mengenangmu

[ 12:02 ]

Hentakan air rasuki dada

Sesak, gelisah, perih, tenggelam

Daya hanya cukup untuk hanyut berpasrah

[ 12:05 ]

Hitam pekat sang belenggu

Buka mata, tutup mata, tiada beda

Kian mencari keberadaanmu

[ 12:09 ]

Aku masih disini

Pupus sudah keinginan untuk bernostalgia akan dirimu

Jangkar hati pada dasar laut ini hanya dapat menjeratku

[ 12:11 ]

Tangan, raihlah ke atas, lepas dari kenangan ini

Ombak, jangan tarik aku kembali, jangan seret ia bersamaku

Kamu, tinggallah bersama waktu lampau, disanalah tempat tinggalmu

[ 12:12 ]

Langitlah masa depanku

Permukaan air masa kiniku

Dasar laut masa laluku

[ 12:15 ]

Hati, di ruang waktu manakah engkau?

Pikiran, melayang bebas dan berenang lepas

Jiwa, buatlah hati dan pikiran saling jatuh cinta, selaras kembali

[ 12:20 ]

Kontemplasi, remuk redam hati

Bawalah tidur, bawalah pergi

Dimana engkau raib, tiada lagi

[ 12:22 ]

Tolong

Jangan bawa hatiku lari

Jangan pergi, jangan lagi

[ 12:34 ]

Bergeming

Tersadar akan apa yang tak kembali

Hati tertinggal di dasar laut yang takkan aku kunjungi lagi

—i.t

anchor your thoughts deep sea baby

find the beauty in the broken

find the truth in what's torn

find the rad in the bad

find the gold in what's cold

find the light in the dark

find the shine in what's dull

find the love in the lost

find the art in what's scarred

let these misfits shake your insides

to discover what's unseen

incredibly hidden from plain sight

their pain will make you marvel and fright

when you see wonder in these eccentrics

there is hope, there is faith

to remove the egocentric in what's geocentric

and make the world a bit at ease

to exhume love, peace, kindness

and bring down selfish that's created blindness

to then embrace the life worth living

and let the world revive what's yours

because life is lived at its fullest

when empty vessels are filled with soul

(i.t)

I D L E

[ Mid-March; Pre-April — 2015 ]

times in vain — all pain, no gain

For all I have missed

One hole remains unfilled

Short, abrupt, was nothing more

For me it's you that I adore

You were one to lift my hopes up

Hung me restless, it came to a drop

Dared myself to love once more

Only to prove that I was wrong

What we could have been

Will probably never be

A change once promised to me

One you never dared to be

A space you could have occupied

An outline you could have been

Standing beside, staring clear

Holding hands, embracing near

But you're not there

And never will

For all the times you won't be near

I will be here, remembering

—i.t

What is love?

I used to say, "love is a choice, not a feeling," but I never believed it. I used to think love was all the things poets say.

Love was big and loud and terrifying. It was the color of your eyes, and the whisper of our words. Love was butterflies and heart murmurs. Love was heartbreaks and tears from wanting to be with you. Love was kissing in the rain and guitar music in coffee shops and adventures and Polaroid pictures and quotes. Love was thunderstorms and rainbows. Love was screaming and fighting and falling together. Love was your hands on my shoulders, and my fingers intertwined with your shirts. Love was falling asleep on your shoulder and falling to bed with my flannel because it smelled like you. Love was trying desperately to hold you and keep you. Love was pushing you away to keep from hurting you. Love was every feeling heightened because of you. Love was cliche.

And now I know better.

Love isn't a feeling. Everything I described above is feeling. Infatuation, happiness, lust, jealousy, loneliness... Love isn't any of those things.

Love is letting go. Love is looking at someone who has hurt you over and over again and forgiving them. Love is humbling yourself, and falling before someone and saying, "I was wrong... So, so wrong." Love isn't the person who makes you laugh, or the person who listens to you, or the person who makes you like yourself more. Love is facing another person day in and day out, and choosing to show them Jesus. Love is more than my worries that I have talked myself into you, or that I will talk myself out of you. Love is more than on again and off again feelings for you. Because feelings do fade. But true love doesn't.

Love is weeping before The Lord and telling Him I cannot love you the right way. Love is watching you walk away, because I know that God's timing is perfect. Love is giving up everything I ever wanted and praying somehow God can bring back the joy to our hearts.

Love isn't a choice. It's an infinite number of choices.

Love is patient.
Love is kind.
Love does not boast.
Love isn't self-seeking.
Love isn't proud.
Love does not delight in evil.
Love rejoices in the truth.
Love hopes.
Love trusts.
Love perseveres.
And this love, true love, never fails


-e.r.s

1/2

Aku, kamu, lupakan mereka

Mata, senyum, tangan, suara

Biarkan gelak tawa kita

Dunia hanya untuk berdua

Ada saat dimana

Kita berdua bahagia

Lepas dari sentuhan dunia

"Genggam tangan ini, kita lakukan berdua"

Satu kamu tambah satu aku

Cukup untuk menjadi satu kita

Namun berakhir sudah semuanya

Semusim telah berlalu

Aku lepas dari bayanganmu

Tetap ini untukmu

Sulit melupakanmu

Karena kamu cuma satu

Cukup sudah kembalinya, apalagi aku

Cukup sudah memintanya, apalagi kamu

Cukup sudah egoisnya, apalagi kita

Sudah cukup mengingat, mencinta

Bukan berarti aku tidak bisa lupa

Terakhir satu ini untukmu

Dua tanganku menulis tentangmu

-i.t

[ happy new year! xo ]