Maybe?

I'm not feeling like myself lately

Maybe it's you

Maybe it's me

Maybe it's reality

I don't know what's gotten into me

Maybe it's pain

Maybe it's strain

Maybe it's jealousy

I don't know how to get back to me

Maybe it's time

Maybe it's space

Maybe it's plain to see

I need you to understand me

Maybe it's forever

Maybe it's for never

Maybe it's eternity

I need to cross my own ego

Maybe it's now

Maybe it's a vow

Maybe it's letting go

I crave that feeling inside me

Maybe it's lust

Maybe it's dust

Maybe it's plain old trust

I long for you to be near me

Maybe it's just

Maybe it's

Maybe

—i.t.

an ode to a beautifully crafted person;

I have been questioning myself for the past few days

And regretting the way I have mistreated and misled you to believe the person I am not

For I am not myself, not now, for reasons I cannot fathom why

For nothing is uncertain for as long as I am not in your soft open arms

For nothing is as peaceful as it should be when I do not feel the slightest touch of your fingertips

Those slender hands and these bones of mine

Construct me with not despair and grief but the everlasting hope of surviving and thriving

For I have lost myself in the mirror of this forsaken world

Looking for myself in the deep dark pools through how other people convey the world in their individual perceptions of sight

Yet I still cannot see me

I cannot fathom how gone I am and how far I have sunk deep beneath the waves

For my thoughts cannot comprehend whether this act of irresponsibility is a true act of will or fail will

I do not want to execute without the consent of my nerves and my joints

For they have numbed and exploded with fury to see the despicable human being I have become

I think I am losing my mind

I cannot stand this

I cannot stand myself

And then I look at you and I see everything that was missing

I see a soul clarified as mine reflected in your liquid chocolate vision

I have surrendered myself to your bewitching stare

I have fallen completely helpless into your prettily laced thoughts

Unquestionably unable to resist your charm and the infinite pull of caring you trance upon me

For I am only a weak and frail being in the eyes of the strong

For you are the one that keeps my head above the waves

For you are the ultimate representation of strength and within you I fall apart

Inside you I bare my soul and rip out my skin

Without a care whether you would look away or stare me down with those beautiful brown orbs of yours

The true colors within me are not all beautiful as I believe they're most certainly ugly

And I feel my soul wilting in guilt in the eye of such a clean, beautiful spirit

For I trust you with all my might and for all I have, for all I am and for all I am not

I love you with all that I dare and all that I risk

I love you for all that I know and for all that I care

I love you

I love you

I love you truly, madly, deeply, savagely, intricately, helplessly, insanely, fabulously, simply,

I love you

I am sorry

I am so sorry

I am unquestionably and unmistakably sorry for this being I have turned out for you to see

As I have went against my own will and the promises to resist the form I vow to never be

For reasons I do not know and for reasons I do not want to seek

This jealousy and irrationality has pushed me down to the cliff's edge and I'll never survive, I have perceived

Pull me out and save my soul before it's too late

Before I am consumed not by the selfishness of the mediocre world

But by your inextinguishable flame of passion and by my own destructive antics

For I want to be saved

By you and only you I want to be saved

In your arms, in your care, in your touch I dare say, I dare stay

I long to touch and feel and float and witness all the beautiful things to come

For you are beautiful

And this world is

The certainty within me is now within you as you are my anchor

You are a part of my fatal flaws

You are my fatal flaw

One I cannot tempt to stop entering continuously to fill this empty hole in my chest

Stitch me up before I tear myself apart

Hold me down before I rip myself to pieces

I need you and I forever will

I adore you and I forever will

I love you and I forever will

Help me, save me, stop me

Before I fall to what I have become

Before I forget how I once had been

You are the sunshine, you are the sundown, you are the skyline

And I am the darkness, I am the sunrise, I am the downside

For I am confused and angry to see how I have let myself behave

Hold me carefully for this fragile heart could still break for the umpteenth time

Without knowing whether I will be able to fix it all alone all over again

Because I need your expertise as my heart is in dire need

Your love and your strength and all of you and all that you are

Is what I want

I now know what I truly want

I long to be with you and wake up next to your perfection

In the past, present and future

In all the worlds I come across and the marvelously fashioned people I have met and will encounter

I would still choose you, over an infinity of others

Oh how I wish to have known you longer

Oh how I wish to have known you sooner

For you are the reason why I spill myself on paper

For you are the reason why I bloom against the current

For you are more than enough to mend this fractured soul

For you are all I need to save these tired lungs

For all you are, I'll take you without a doubt, without any question, without a thought

For my veins flow for you

For my heart beats for you

For my cells scream for you

For every inch of my body yearns for you

Because I know perfection when I see, touch, hear and feel it

And in desolation away from the reflection of societal distress will I feel most loved

In your arms, in your care, in your grace, in your whole

Cover my ears from the whisper of devils every time the moon shines its luminescence

Cover my eyes from the toxic expectations countless people force me to uphold

Cover my lungs from the sickening feeling of being drowned and incapacitated by what the water brings me

Cover my heart from the sound of my bones breaking through the ache of losing you over and over and over again

Cover me in your embrace and don't ever let go

Hold me close and answer the troubling thoughts of what I thought I had to grasp close

Guide me back to the path where I was capable to lead myself once

Return me to your embrace for it is the only place where I truly belong

Power me in the house that you are

For the world is a dirty and sinned place yet you are not of this world

For you are magical and powerful and selfless and you are near

For you are wonderful and blessed and I hold you dear

You are what truly matters and the rest don't count a thing

You are what I have missed, am missing and will continue to miss

For this world may change and I will love you still

For my hand is your promise to keep at bay and still

I am looking in the mirror and questioning myself what have I done without my will

For you are on the other side waiting for me to let you be my certainty

And take me with you to that place of peace and serenity

Where I shall not ramble on with endless words about how lost I am and how wonderful you are, my dear

Where I shall continue this train of thought and eventually stop to a point where we make ends meet

For you already know that I am in need of a home

For it is in your eyes that I found a place to call home

So take my hand as I reach out without second thoughts

Take me home to a place that is not a somewhere but a someone

For I long to be with you and stay at home for the rest of my life

For as long as I live I shall cherish you with every breath that I take

And I vow to love you in every uncertainty as I know you will understand mine

For you are my home, and forever you will be

—i.t.

[ Late Night Midnight ]

I am so tired.

I am so tired of trying to make sense of everything. I am so tired of running away. I am so tired of being a lump of exploding random emotions in the middle of the night; stumbling around and crashing to every single thing that these eyes set sight upon. It is so sad to see myself crying while calling someone on the phone and getting sad for no apparent reason. It's getting to me. Again.

As much as I want the sadness to not be of any reason, I cannot deny the fact that I am sad about something. May it be only a little something; but it is still something. I despise the fact that this frail stack of skin and bones cannot handle a single crack of heart. It's breaking again for the simplest of reasons; yet it hurts so bad.

I am now awake, my soul feeling like it is floating somewhere in a state that I do not even know of, reassuring myself that I am alright so that I do not have to lie to people who ask about how I am doing. The weird thing is, I do not even know how I am actually doing. I am telling you what I believe how I should be, which is alright. But I am not. I kind of am. But not entirely "alright" as you may say and assume.

For quite a while I have been staring hard at myself in the mirror, challenging my pupils straight to the center and asking the same repetitive question over and over in my head, "Are you really alright, or are you just conjuring up an image of yourself in your twisted mind that you are?"

My honest answer is: I don't know. I honestly don't.

If ever any of you feel the same way as I do;

if any of you feel the urge to pace back and forth on your bedroom floor at a quarter to 1 AM to contemplate about your life;

if any of you feel a hint of depression;

if any of you are hurting in a way you cannot explain;

if any of you feel like you're missing something yet you do not know what it is or who you are missing;

if any of you feel some kind of void forming up in your chest;

if you have the urge to scream and curse and be mad;

if any of you are trying to accept the fact that your sadness is triggered by the simplest of reasons;

if any of you are laying still in your bed with earphones plugged in your ears thinking about why these thoughts just won't shut up;

if you feel your demons sneaking up behind your backs;

if you are plain confused about what you are going through;

if you feel like it's one of those days where you hit rock-bottom and suddenly get sad for no good reason;

if you are feeling like you just need a good cry and a shoulder that does not mind getting wet;

if you do not know what state you are in at the moment;

I am not going to tell you to be patient, or to tell you that it will pass, or to tell you that it will eventually get better after you give it some time, or to tell you to just breathe, or to tell you to cut the drama, or to tell you to suck it all in and fight it.

No.

Be still, brave hearts.

Befriend your demons.

It is alright not to feel alright.

It is alright to let your guard down.

It is just one of those nights.

It will not stay forever.

Let it flow, let it out, and surrender.

We will survive this through peace.

—i.t

[ honestly guilty thoughts on the brink of the near-ending evening ]

You got my mind thinking

You got my heart pounding

You got my world shaking

You got my soul radiating

You got my eyes wandering

You got my legs traveling

You got my cheeks flushing

You got my fingers entangling

You got my hands writing

You got my lungs fluttering

You got my life beating

You got my love growing

You got me —

In every imaginable way possible

If ever I say

You don't

I'm lying

( — i.t )

4

You invade my thoughts.

Beautifully, deeply, intricately.

I cannot comprehend how wonderful it is to have you fill my head for most of the time. It's marvelous to consider how you actually managed to stay afloat solely in my mind when everything has gone down and sunk deep deep deep into my sea of contemplations.

What's with you that keeps you above the waves? Apparently the waters like you. Apparently my mind likes you. My heart does, too, if you wondered. I mean, who doesn't? Every cell in my body, every corner of my soul, every fibre in this human being speaks aloud their admiration for you.

Yes, you.

I don't know what you're doing, but you got me speaking nonsense — absolute irrational, hypothetical, philosophical nonsense. I might as well say thank you. I've not been able to be this elaborate, warm, and bubbly for quite a while.

Please keep on doing what you're doing. This is pretty cheesy, but... I plan to stay this happy for a long, long time.

(i.t) x

Aku. Kamu. Kamu. Aku. Aku & Kamu.

"Jangan mendekat. Jangan mendekat."

Kamu ternyata kembali. Aku hampir beranjak pergi.

Kamu tulus. Sangat tulus.

Aku terdiam. Berpikir — ada manusia setulus kamu.

Kamu tersenyum. Aku tersipu malu.

Aku merenung. Berpikir — mengapa kamu masih membutuhkanku, masih menginginkanku.

Kamu tertawa. Aku tersenyum.

Aku terpaku. Berpikir — apa kurang aku mengungkapkan rasa terima kasih kepada kamu; yang masih saja memaafkan aku?

"Tidak."

Kamu mendekat. Aku tidak bergerak.

Dalam jarak pandangku hanya ada kamu. Sekarang — di pikiranku hanya ada kamu.

"Apa kamu akan pergi?"

Aku tahu suatu hari nanti kamu akan pergi.

Entah sehari, seminggu, sebulan, setahun, semasa depan lagi... Yang jelas, aku tahu kamu akan pergi.

Tunggu. Lebih tepatnya aku atau kamu yang akan pergi. Akan ada sebuah kapan, namun masalah siapa yang pergi, aku tidak tahu pasti. Namun aku tahu pasti bahwa itu urusan sang alam. Bukan lain pula ulah sang waktu.

Kamu tertunduk. Aku tersadar.

Masalah kepergian bisa terjadi kapan saja. Bisa saja tadi apabila aku melangkah pergi. Bisa saja tadi apabila kamu tidak memilih untuk kembali.

Aku egois. Karena aku tidak ingin kamu pergi. Begitu juga kamu. 

Kamu egois. Karena kamu ingin aku tetap disini. Begitu juga aku.

Namun biarlah;

Sebelum kamu memilih untuk pergi;

Sebelum aku memilih untuk tidak kembali;

Sebelum kita tak kuasa egois lagi;

Sebelum kita hilang ditelan semesta;

Sebelum terlambat sudah semuanya;

Pegang tanganku. Jangan lepaskan. Abadikan jari-jemari ini. Sebelum terlepas dari genggaman.

"Tidak. Maafkan aku."

Aku melayangkan beribu terima kasih. Kamu mendekap ragaku.

Aku menghela nafas. Kamu menutup matamu.

Kamu berarti. Sangat berarti.

Aku berharap. Kamu berdoa.

"Jangan pergi. Jangan pergi."

(i.t)

Ini lagi, ini lagi...

Sejenak. Hanya sejenak.

Cukup untuk membuatnya tersentak.

Matanya melayang ke segala arah, menerka apa yang membuat jantungnya hampir berhenti berdetak.

Mungkin matahari? Namun belum pagi.

Mungkin isyarat untuk berlari? Namun belum ingin beranjak pergi.

Mungkin sebuah memori? Ah, sepertinya lebih pasti.

Bermalam-malam ia bangun seperti ini, memimpikan sesosok pribadi.

Membangunkannya seperti maling di malam hari, mengusik alur sang dini hari.

Ah, tidak tahu sopan santun pikiran-pikiran ini.

Ia tahu seorang itu sudah lama pergi.

Jauh raganya berlari, tak ada tanda akan kembali.

Namun jiwanya muncul lagi, muncul lagi — hatinya kalut tak terkira kali ini.

Cukup sudah nostalgia akan patah hati.

Sampai kapan harus seperti ini?

Simpan saja, esok akan ada lagi.

Lalu untuk apa menghabisi awal hari?

Lebih baik tidur saja lagi.

(i.t)