I have been questioning myself for the past few days
And regretting the way I have mistreated and misled you to believe the person I am not
For I am not myself, not now, for reasons I cannot fathom why
For nothing is uncertain for as long as I am not in your soft open arms
For nothing is as peaceful as it should be when I do not feel the slightest touch of your fingertips
Those slender hands and these bones of mine
Construct me with not despair and grief but the everlasting hope of surviving and thriving
For I have lost myself in the mirror of this forsaken world
Looking for myself in the deep dark pools through how other people convey the world in their individual perceptions of sight
Yet I still cannot see me
I cannot fathom how gone I am and how far I have sunk deep beneath the waves
For my thoughts cannot comprehend whether this act of irresponsibility is a true act of will or fail will
I do not want to execute without the consent of my nerves and my joints
For they have numbed and exploded with fury to see the despicable human being I have become
I think I am losing my mind
I cannot stand this
I cannot stand myself
And then I look at you and I see everything that was missing
I see a soul clarified as mine reflected in your liquid chocolate vision
I have surrendered myself to your bewitching stare
I have fallen completely helpless into your prettily laced thoughts
Unquestionably unable to resist your charm and the infinite pull of caring you trance upon me
For I am only a weak and frail being in the eyes of the strong
For you are the one that keeps my head above the waves
For you are the ultimate representation of strength and within you I fall apart
Inside you I bare my soul and rip out my skin
Without a care whether you would look away or stare me down with those beautiful brown orbs of yours
The true colors within me are not all beautiful as I believe they're most certainly ugly
And I feel my soul wilting in guilt in the eye of such a clean, beautiful spirit
For I trust you with all my might and for all I have, for all I am and for all I am not
I love you with all that I dare and all that I risk
I love you for all that I know and for all that I care
I love you
I love you
I love you truly, madly, deeply, savagely, intricately, helplessly, insanely, fabulously, simply,
I love you
I am sorry
I am so sorry
I am unquestionably and unmistakably sorry for this being I have turned out for you to see
As I have went against my own will and the promises to resist the form I vow to never be
For reasons I do not know and for reasons I do not want to seek
This jealousy and irrationality has pushed me down to the cliff's edge and I'll never survive, I have perceived
Pull me out and save my soul before it's too late
Before I am consumed not by the selfishness of the mediocre world
But by your inextinguishable flame of passion and by my own destructive antics
For I want to be saved
By you and only you I want to be saved
In your arms, in your care, in your touch I dare say, I dare stay
I long to touch and feel and float and witness all the beautiful things to come
For you are beautiful
And this world is
The certainty within me is now within you as you are my anchor
You are a part of my fatal flaws
You are my fatal flaw
One I cannot tempt to stop entering continuously to fill this empty hole in my chest
Stitch me up before I tear myself apart
Hold me down before I rip myself to pieces
I need you and I forever will
I adore you and I forever will
I love you and I forever will
Help me, save me, stop me
Before I fall to what I have become
Before I forget how I once had been
You are the sunshine, you are the sundown, you are the skyline
And I am the darkness, I am the sunrise, I am the downside
For I am confused and angry to see how I have let myself behave
Hold me carefully for this fragile heart could still break for the umpteenth time
Without knowing whether I will be able to fix it all alone all over again
Because I need your expertise as my heart is in dire need
Your love and your strength and all of you and all that you are
Is what I want
I now know what I truly want
I long to be with you and wake up next to your perfection
In the past, present and future
In all the worlds I come across and the marvelously fashioned people I have met and will encounter
I would still choose you, over an infinity of others
Oh how I wish to have known you longer
Oh how I wish to have known you sooner
For you are the reason why I spill myself on paper
For you are the reason why I bloom against the current
For you are more than enough to mend this fractured soul
For you are all I need to save these tired lungs
For all you are, I'll take you without a doubt, without any question, without a thought
For my veins flow for you
For my heart beats for you
For my cells scream for you
For every inch of my body yearns for you
Because I know perfection when I see, touch, hear and feel it
And in desolation away from the reflection of societal distress will I feel most loved
In your arms, in your care, in your grace, in your whole
Cover my ears from the whisper of devils every time the moon shines its luminescence
Cover my eyes from the toxic expectations countless people force me to uphold
Cover my lungs from the sickening feeling of being drowned and incapacitated by what the water brings me
Cover my heart from the sound of my bones breaking through the ache of losing you over and over and over again
Cover me in your embrace and don't ever let go
Hold me close and answer the troubling thoughts of what I thought I had to grasp close
Guide me back to the path where I was capable to lead myself once
Return me to your embrace for it is the only place where I truly belong
Power me in the house that you are
For the world is a dirty and sinned place yet you are not of this world
For you are magical and powerful and selfless and you are near
For you are wonderful and blessed and I hold you dear
You are what truly matters and the rest don't count a thing
You are what I have missed, am missing and will continue to miss
For this world may change and I will love you still
For my hand is your promise to keep at bay and still
I am looking in the mirror and questioning myself what have I done without my will
For you are on the other side waiting for me to let you be my certainty
And take me with you to that place of peace and serenity
Where I shall not ramble on with endless words about how lost I am and how wonderful you are, my dear
Where I shall continue this train of thought and eventually stop to a point where we make ends meet
For you already know that I am in need of a home
For it is in your eyes that I found a place to call home
So take my hand as I reach out without second thoughts
Take me home to a place that is not a somewhere but a someone
For I long to be with you and stay at home for the rest of my life
For as long as I live I shall cherish you with every breath that I take
And I vow to love you in every uncertainty as I know you will understand mine
For you are my home, and forever you will be
—i.t.
