I am so tired.
I am so tired of trying to make sense of everything. I am so tired of running away. I am so tired of being a lump of exploding random emotions in the middle of the night; stumbling around and crashing to every single thing that these eyes set sight upon. It is so sad to see myself crying while calling someone on the phone and getting sad for no apparent reason. It's getting to me. Again.
As much as I want the sadness to not be of any reason, I cannot deny the fact that I am sad about something. May it be only a little something; but it is still something. I despise the fact that this frail stack of skin and bones cannot handle a single crack of heart. It's breaking again for the simplest of reasons; yet it hurts so bad.
I am now awake, my soul feeling like it is floating somewhere in a state that I do not even know of, reassuring myself that I am alright so that I do not have to lie to people who ask about how I am doing. The weird thing is, I do not even know how I am actually doing. I am telling you what I believe how I should be, which is alright. But I am not. I kind of am. But not entirely "alright" as you may say and assume.
For quite a while I have been staring hard at myself in the mirror, challenging my pupils straight to the center and asking the same repetitive question over and over in my head, "Are you really alright, or are you just conjuring up an image of yourself in your twisted mind that you are?"
My honest answer is: I don't know. I honestly don't.
If ever any of you feel the same way as I do;
if any of you feel the urge to pace back and forth on your bedroom floor at a quarter to 1 AM to contemplate about your life;
if any of you feel a hint of depression;
if any of you are hurting in a way you cannot explain;
if any of you feel like you're missing something yet you do not know what it is or who you are missing;
if any of you feel some kind of void forming up in your chest;
if you have the urge to scream and curse and be mad;
if any of you are trying to accept the fact that your sadness is triggered by the simplest of reasons;
if any of you are laying still in your bed with earphones plugged in your ears thinking about why these thoughts just won't shut up;
if you feel your demons sneaking up behind your backs;
if you are plain confused about what you are going through;
if you feel like it's one of those days where you hit rock-bottom and suddenly get sad for no good reason;
if you are feeling like you just need a good cry and a shoulder that does not mind getting wet;
if you do not know what state you are in at the moment;
I am not going to tell you to be patient, or to tell you that it will pass, or to tell you that it will eventually get better after you give it some time, or to tell you to just breathe, or to tell you to cut the drama, or to tell you to suck it all in and fight it.
No.
Be still, brave hearts.
Befriend your demons.
It is alright not to feel alright.
It is alright to let your guard down.
It is just one of those nights.
It will not stay forever.
Let it flow, let it out, and surrender.
We will survive this through peace.
—i.t
